So yesterday I was on day number 4 of diarrhea (we'll get to the reason in a minute). I mean the kind that makes me think I'm going to need some Bagg Balm or Butt Paste! After 6 days of a SERIOUS head cold turned to nasty chest cold and laryngitis FUNK, I just wanted to stay in BED...FOREVER. SO (back to the why) my stomach was so torn up over Grammar and Math. Nope - not MY grammar and math, as I have clearly graduated college...Evan's first grades within these first three weeks of Third Grade. Who would ever had thought that a Mama (this one) could have such ownership and irritable bowels over 2 Cs and 2 Fs....ahhh- that comes out to a C average for both Math and Grammar. But I HAVE owned them, freaked out about them, lost sleep over them, wallowed in self pity and doubt about my abilities to teach Evan (Ex: "Am I really the best teacher for Evan? Maybe he needs to go to school 5 days a week and have a more consistent environment and Teacher who LOVES Grammar and Math and have a teacher that can teach SO much better than I can?"- clearly, "What if he's a C student? What if he's not ready for the pace of Third Grade?"....cause boy we're flying through these lessons full speed ahead! "What if he doesn't care about his grades? How can I solve this? What can I do to fix this and is there still time to pull out the grades necessary to NOT get TWO Cs on his first report card of third grade?") Ever since grades posted Friday the 3rd and Saturday the 4th these were the kind of thoughts consuming free MOMENTS. Do you see something SO blaring in these sentences and doubts.? (I...I...I...I)
John and I had a short strategic planning meeting over the weekend (mainly just to placate Mama and to get on the same page...though Daddy hardly ever goes into Freak-Out Mode when Mama does...THANK GOD FOR THAT)! Saturday, Sunday and Monday Evan has special Math lessons and extra practice pages to complete (dono why we didn't do grammar too...just noticing that as I type). Anyway- by the end of Monday evening I'm feeling like we're on the right track and Evan is "getting it" and things are looking up....grades will be looking up!
Then yesterday more grades post to Grade-Link and John and I get instant emails (which I am now thinking might not be a good idea for ME). Another poor Math Test Grade...ahhhh. More diarrhea, more self-blame, more questioning, more panic...can you hear it? Long story short- there was a parent in-service and I stayed afterwards to speak with both his head teacher Mrs. Chenault and Assistant Teacher Mrs. Lowe (they ROCK). They have the impression that Evan is just zoning off in class. He's not being disruptive, or doodling, but he's not paying attention either. They have lots of good suggestions and Mrs. Chenault was kind enough to agree to move him to the front row (you know he's loving that today). Anyway- on the way home...filled with great suggestions I call my Aunt Ne! Aunt Ne...with 26+ years of teaching experience, Aunt Ne who raised 2 great girls (one of whom is VERY similar to my Evan in wear-with-all), Aunt Ne who was just here and knows first hand what a strong reader Evan is and what his potential as a student can be...Aunt Ne...she can help fix this right. SO 30 minutes later I'm off the phone from Aunt Ne and we have lots of great ideas and lots of Logical Consequences and lots of "things" I just hadn't thought of! WEW...I'm feeling better.
Then I share all of these ideas with John. Once again we need a little strategic planning and to make sure we're on the same page (that is, he's on the page with me) as to how we are going to fix Evan's grades. After espousing all of the great ideas from his teachers and Aunt Ne I give a MOMENT of silence and ask "SO what do you wanna do?" (that's a loaded question right cause I've already said what we CLEARLY need to do) And in his patient most holding-back-the-clear frustration brewing inside of him he says, "Well I just want to think about it. I don't think in such black and whites like you." Again I pitch the plan a little more and rephrase my question...and this time he acquiesces and says- "OK, I'm OK with most of that." "Most of that??? Well, what do you wanna do differently?" I question. Then the Lord worked through John in such a powerful way I was wordless! John looked at me and in his quiet, normal tone he said, "I just want all this to come across to him in a loving way." To which Mama responded, "Then you do it."
I then went to take a SCALDING hot shower where I pondered the question: How do you convey disappoint and consequences in a LOVING way??? How does anyone do that?? How do I do that??? I mean I LOVE all the blessings that God has entrusted to us...but really- this was the REAL question playing over and over in my head. Then the Lord so quietly whispered...YOU cannot do that just yet. John can do it (and does it SO naturally)...that's why I have selected him for you..(he has modeled it time and time again for me as we walk this journey of parenthood together) You need to grow in that area Bridget. You can do all things through Me...but you need to seek me...even on this...here and now. Big things and little things...seek Me in ALL things.
I fell into bed SOBBING and replaying all those self-condemning thoughts I had been having over the past few nights. I didn't want anyone to know...so I was quiet. Within moments Daddy was snoring away and I was weeping into pure exhaustion. Thank goodness for exhaustion because it's NEVER wise to work through things at night. It's always good to remember that the Devil rules (plays) in the darkness (1 John 5:19) and we need to be ever mindful that he is cunning (2 Cor 11:3). My dear Flock- SLEEP...don't try to solve big problems of the world or work things out with your spouse after the night comes...AND don't let the Devil put condemning thoughts, self-critical thoughts, loathing thoughts in your mind...because THOSE thoughts are NOT from God. And turning to God during those dark times...seeking God, He will deliver you (Psalm 97:10 - for He guards the lives of his faithful ones, and delivers them from the hand of the wicked). Thank goodness for the sleep that finally came...Mama needs to put her advise to practice.
So this morning John is here to get the kids ready and take them to school. At 6:30 AM I cuddle with my blankets and open to Chapter 4 of a book April and I have agreed to read together and here is what the Lord confirmed to me (through something Paul wrote to the believers in Ephesus): to keep asking the Lord to give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I may know Him better (paraphrased from Ephesians 1:17). How my eyes teared again...THEN later today I was under the hair dryer at the salon waiting for my brown hair to be turned honey blond and I opened the Beth Moore study of Daniel...to read on the Introduction page: ..."Join me in asking the Ancient of Days to reveal Himself and His Son powerfully, majestically, and Personally. Continually ask God to grant you "the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you make know Him better (Eph: 1:17)". OK Lord...got it...same scripture two times in the same day...got the message...it's not all ME, I gotta drop this I...and seek HIS wisdom and revelation through prayer (aka- communication) with Him! He has the answers, the direction...after all He IS THE WAY (the truth and the life John 14:6).
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Ashlyn Grace and my DEAR DEAR boys- some days will beat you up, some nights will turn up the fires of doubt and pity, some times your children will have minds of their own, and sometimes they will just straight-up push your buttons. Seek the Lord and His wisdom, knowledge, and revelations...don't waste time figuring out how YOU are going to conquer the "issue"...
What good medicine for MY soul...to remind myself of these truths...as I endeavour to make sure you all have an opportunity to KNOW them!
